New Year, Old Grief

As the new year approaches, we welcome the invitation to look back at this past year to take stock of battles fought, lessons learned, and goals achieved and/or in progress. We reflect on what we want to jettison from our day-to-day lives and what we would like to carry with us into the new year. This practice of annual reflection may bring up some resistance- I mean, life is more complicated than Spotify Wrapped, right? Especially for those of us in grief, it can feel like an exhausting task to look backwards to what was, even churning up yearning for a time “before”.

The act of reflection in grief can be painful but also beneficial in recognizing how things have changed. For some, the ticking of time after a loss is a painful reminder of the foreverness of grief. There is no sugarcoating that indeed, grief is a lifelong experience. With each new year however, there is usually a new understanding or aspect to our grief. The passing of time also tends to show us that life is possible after a loss.

This coming year will mark 12 years since my significant compound loss experience. I remember at around year 4, I told my therapist, “I can’t believe it is still this hard!” The early years are filled with firsts- first anniversaries and birthdays, first life achievements without your person, first experiences of the waves of grief, etc. It is a steep and difficult learning process to learn to live with grief. How could you know how to do this, if you’ve never done it before? Sometimes it feels like it may break you, and that it is not possible to carry the heavy weight. With the passing of each first, comes a second, third, and so on… and you may come to realize though it felt like it was not possible to carry with weight, here you are, continuing to carry the weight. The weight will remain heavy, and with experience, you will develop muscles to carry it over time. If you can have the courage to look back at the firsts, and seconds, and thirds, you offer yourself the opportunity to learn what worked, and what didn’t. Those lessons can inform what you need in your grief to keep carrying on. What you need on the first anniversary may look different than the tenth. What you needed yesterday may look different than what you need tomorrow.

Illustration by Mari Andrew

You might find, especially in the earlier era of grief, that you feel resistant to anything that resembles “moving on.” You might even, like me, want to punch someone for even suggesting that there is such a thing as “moving on”! The passing of time may feel like pressure to do something with your grief. Should I have a remembrance ceremony? Am I supposed to light a candle? I don’t want to move on, I want my person! Please know that these are normal and valid responses to a wider cultural fear of grief. Learning to carry your grief is more like learning to move forward, integrating your grief into your life. You don’t have to let go, try to let in. See what happens with the natural passing of time.

Developing a practice of intentional reflection in grief can allow you to take stock of the muscles you are building in your grief process. There might be times you look back and realize, “Wow, I’m not doing so great.” This is good data to inform how you may need to get support. Other times, you may look back and say, “I never thought I could feel joy again, and today I laughed freely.” Take stock. You are changed, and that’s okay. Allow yourself your grief experience for what it is: your continued love through loss.