Grief Myths
The Gilded Age of American history (circa 1870-1900) was a time of industrial advancement, marked by a focus on wealth and class dynamics. In this time period, social status and expectations were paramount. Rules around etiquette, appropriateness, and tradition were passed though families, exemplifying the strict social order of the times. It is no surprise then, that this culture had strong practices around mourning after a loss, especially for women. “Mourning dress” became a way of signifying one’s grief to the outer world: a non-verbal externalization of one’s status after a loss. The first stage of mourning dress was called deep mourning, during which women were expected to wear understated, all black clothing. Next came ordinary mourning, which called for women to continue to wear black clothing, introducing frills, beadwork, and other black-colored accoutrement to their outfits. Lastly, half-mourning outfits served as a transition back to typical wear, noted by shades of gray and purple, as well as black-and-white. The time that a woman may spend in each state of mourning dress was determined by her relationship to the deceased, and ran anywhere from a few months to several years.
The mourning women of the Gilded Age serve as a reminder that grief and mourning are significantly informed by the context in which we live. From the granular details of etiquette to the big picture values of our culture at-large, each of us may have our own beliefs about grief. For those of us living in contemporary western culture, we may be seeing a shift in how we perceive grief, likely due to collective grief experiences and existential anxiety brought about by catastrophic climate change or a global pandemic.
Today’s post offers some myths about grief from this contemporary lens. You may or may not agree with the purported myth-busting list below. As such, we hold space for each person’s context as they explore what grief looks like to them.
Myth: Grief is experienced in stages
In 1969, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross partnered with Dr. David Kessler to publish On Death and Dying, which outlined 5 stages of grief when one is faced with their own mortality. The model of stages of grief became a viral sensation as a new way of understanding the grief process. People seemed to find the idea of stages of grief comforting, because it offered them a kind of road map (i.e. if I am done bargaining, the third stage of grief, the depression must be next). Unfortunately, the stages of grief were somewhat co-opted by the public, as the original intention of Kubler-Ross was specifically to apply these stages to those who were dying, not necessarily those grieving the loss of someone. The ethos of On Death and Dying is really about encouraging people to express their emotions (whether it be anger or depression), rather than suppress them and try to move on. It is less about having an expectation of what grief should look like, and more about meeting people where they are at in their grief, whatever it looks like.
Myth: Grief is a linear process
The truth is, grief can ebb and flow throughout one’s life after a loss. Some people even experience what is called delayed grief, a type of grief that comes on much later after a loss (learn about different types of grief here). For some, their grief may be amplified at different times than what we may expect. It is very rarely a straightforward, or linear, process.
Myth: Grief is hardest in the first year
This one may be true for some, but not all. We tend to hope that this whole grieving thing gets easier with time. What often happens is that we build coping skills over time, learning what we need as we go, and as our grief manifests in different ways. Sometimes, as time passes and we get all of the “firsts” out of the way (first holiday season, first birthday, first anniversary, etc.), the next few years really begin to highlight the foreverness of it all. This is a normal part of the grieving process, and a reminder that (see myth #2 above) grief is not linear.
Myth: Grief will end at some point
Grief is something we carry with us, always. It may not end, but it will change over time. We learn to live with our grief, getting to know the sensations, emotions, and needs. We grieve forever because we still love and care for the person we have lost. Just as our love doesn’t disappear, neither does our grief. You may have heard the phrase, “time heals all wounds.” Well, not necessarily! Some wounds we simply learn to care for, continuously. We learn to manage, rather than expecting it to go away.
As you consider the mourning women of the Gilded Age and the myths of grief, think about the contexts and beliefs you hold about grief and loss. Imagine the way your family discussed grief or loss growing up, or what you may have learned about grief in school or at your place of worship. What are the expectations you may hold about the grief process?
It is natural to seek some sort of container, structure, or answers to soothe the painful disorientation of grief. Sometimes our desire for answers turns into expectations that may not be met. (I imagine the mourning wife of the Gilded Age wanting to burn all of her black clothing at some point!) One adage of grief that I stand behind is: the only way out, is through. That is, we learn to grieve, by grieving. Trusting that this non-linear path will unfold as you move through it, is a major step in learning to bear the grief ahead.