Dia de los Muertos: Ritual as Remembrance
As the blistering heat of the summer turns to cooler evenings and shades of orange, we begin our descent into Autumn. Harvest decorations line aisles, kids are back in the swing of school, and we start to hear the often dreaded question, “Any plans for the holidays?” Looking at the last few months of the year on a calendar may spike your anxiety if you are grieving, because the thought of facing the holidays without your loved one seems impossible. While holidays may amplify your loved one’s absence, it also may offer an opportunity to sit next to that now-empty chair directly… to acknowledge and honor your loved one.
One holiday that kicks off the season of remembrance is the Mexican-born Dia de los Muertos, or “Day of the Dead”. The holiday falls on November 1st and 2nd, and represents a time to ritualistically honor and celebrate the lives of one’s ancestors. Families gather to share stories about the lives of their lost loved ones with the intention to maintain their emotional connection with the departed. They build ofrendas, or home altars, upon which they place photos of the departed, gifts of their favorite food and drinks or trinkets, and decorations of cempazúchitl, or marigold flowers. During the celebration, families visit the burial site of their loved ones, bringing offerings for and speaking directly to the deceased. The ethos of Dia de los Muertos is about connection and celebration, and thus, parades are held, special treats like pan de muerto are shared, and costuming with calaveras (sugar skull) makeup is encouraged.
Dia de Los Muertos is an intentional time of remembrance that is imbued with ritual. Rituals of erecting an altar, choosing symbolic items such as flowers and food, praying to one’s ancestors, and communing with them, all serve to honor the departed, and most importantly to continue the bond with them. By treating their spirits as if they are right there with the family, hosting them for the evening, families actively carry their loved ones with them.
Día de Muertos en Milpa Alta, Eneas De Troya
Continuing the bond with your loved one is one part of the grieving process. Once the new reality of their absence has set in, we may feel as if there is a vast hole in our lives- it’s as if we have lost a limb. It may take a while to adjust to this new normal, learning how to live with a missing limb. Through the use of intentional remembrance, through ritual, we aim to maintain our relationship to our loved one. We conjure the memory of their voice, their scent, their laugh. We bring their image forward, and we speak to them, perhaps to share some of our life with them as if we would over coffee in the morning. It is a simulated act, but our brains and bodies experience it as genuine connection. Just because our loved ones are gone, does not mean our relationship with them is gone. By continuing the bond, we carry them within us.
As you ease into the months ahead, you may consider developing a ritual of remembrance. You may be inspired by the rich cultural tradition of Dia de los Muertos and create your own ofrenda or bake some pan de muerto to share with the spirit of your loved one. You may choose to light a candle and speak directly to your loved one. You may put on your loved one’s favorite song and sing along as if they were singing with you. Perhaps you buy their favorite flowers to put in your kitchen, allowing the scent to bring up their memory. Whatever you decide, by using intention, you get to decide how you want to carry your loved one with you through the days ahead.